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How and where to find sexual inspiration as a woman

6/4/2022

Translation: Veronica Bielawski

Sex magazines, porn or erotic radio plays? When it comes to jump-starting lust, we women have fewer options to choose from than men. I talked to an expert to find out why this is the case – and how we can still get our money’s worth.

The girls in the late-night TV programme «Sexy Sport Clips» really want my «cock». Too bad I don’t have one. That probably explains why porn with a male POV just doesn’t do it for me. And the adult magazines at the kiosk? They’re up at the very top, right next to the latest issues of GQ and Men’s Health. The erotic industry is centred around men. That’s fair enough. But what about us women? While men are served their kick on a silver platter, we’re left to do some serious digging in search of sexy content that fulfils our needs. Or is that just my impression? I spoke with sexologist and psychotherapist Dania Schiftan about what gets women going and where we can find sexual inspiration.

As a woman, I get the impression that the majority of sex content is produced primarily for a male target audience. Am I wrong?
Dania Schiftan: No, this is indeed the case. Contrary to us women, men are more willing to spend money on sex content. As a result, there are fewer people dedicated to the female market because it’s not as lucrative. What’s more, women are into other things. That’s not to say that we can’t also enjoy the content produced for men. However, women tend to be seduced less by naked pictures and more by stories and emotions. This makes producing content for women costlier.

And yet, it’s precisely those women who struggle more often to get sexually aroused who could probably use the additional help most ...
A decrease in sexual desire can have various causes. One central reason why women experience a loss of libido more often than men is the orgasm gap. Women experience a deficit when it comes to climax; they reach orgasm less frequently than their sexual partners. Some women then think to themselves, «If I won’t experience an orgasm anyway, then what’s the point?» It’s a kind of sexuality they don’t want to engage in. This makes it difficult for many women to get turned on out of nowhere. At the same time, they often lack the patience to wait for arousal or build it up slowly. Pornographic content such as videos, literature, radio plays and so on can stimulate the imagination. This can support and accelerate the development of arousal.

So, in a way, the material acts as a catalyst. What mechanisms are at work here?
External stimuli, regardless of the type, have one thing in common: they ensure that we can switch off and focus our attention. They light a spark of lust. If our body reaches a certain level of arousal in the process, we’re more likely to engage in sex.

So, external stimuli can enable some women to reach a level of arousal that they would have otherwise only reached with difficulty – or not at all?
That’s right. With moderate consumption, porn and the like can lower the threshold for lust.

Background information
When you can’t do without porn anymore
by Natalie Hemengül

So, what options do we women have to stimulate our imagination?
While the offer for women is significantly smaller, there are still sources of sexual inspiration that can help women (re)discover their sexual desire. But before I go into specific offers and possibilities, let’s talk about the very foundation that makes arousal possible in the first place.

And what would that be?
Our five senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell. They allow us to perceive sexual stimuli. The more we develop, train and activate our senses, the more intensely we perceive external stimuli – and the better they can help us become aroused. If we consume content that stimulates our senses, we can positively influence our own arousal.

When I think of visual stimuli, the first thing that comes to mind is porn. What distinguishes mainstream porn, which tends to be male-oriented, from content produced specifically for a female audience?
Men react more to visual stimuli, that is to the activities in the film as well as the different camera angles and frames. This is what mainstream porn – which, by the way, more and more women are also consuming – is designed for. Porn for women, on the other hand, emphasises the story or situation or, in many cases, the genuineness of the emotions showcased. Because we women respond to emotions, this type of porn works better for us.

And where might I find this type of porno? Probably not on Youporn, right?
I’d advise interested parties to seek advice offline in erotic stores. In Zurich, I can, for example, recommend «Sensuell» or «Special Moments». The movies in these stores are expensive, but I think they’re absolutely worth it due to their high production value.

Well, there’s not just a financial hurdle to overcome, but also a mental one.
There’s really no need to feel too ashamed to get a consultation. On the contrary, it’s a great way to find out what the movies are about. This allows you to avoid a very common dilemma with mainstream porn, namely the hunt for the thrill. That is, the constant skipping and fast-forwarding through the movie in an effort to track down the highlights, jumping from one position to the next. On the other hand, a carefully selected film is something you can watch in peace and quiet, which allows you to immerse yourself in the story. In addition, these films vary their pace – sometimes things are slower, other times faster. It makes for a balance that’s good for your body and its sensations. Alternatively, Talaya Schmid, art lecturer and cofounder of Porny Days, has compiled a list of feminist porn films with an artistic touch.

The platform OMGyes deals with the science of female pleasure. It provides short clips and tutorials in which ordinary women first masturbate in front of the camera and then talk about their technique.
OMGyes isn’t meant to be a source of arousal for people; rather, it explicitly sees itself as a platform where women can learn and practise. The tool is unique because it offers women content with a high production value that finally answers the question, «How do other women do it?»

Sounds revolutionary.
In a way, it is. The women involved show how they get themselves hot and reach climax – all in a simple, playful way. This kind of learning is very different from the textbook learning we’re used to which usually leaves out central aspects. The idea behind the platform is to set an example. Often, we will, in fact, talk about sexuality – but we almost never get concrete instructions or recommendations, for example specific masturbation techniques. OMGyes fills this gap.

Speaking of gaps, I was at a kiosk the other day and saw a good dozen erotic magazines that I believe were primarily intended for male readers. Are there also sex magazines made specifically for women?
Producing high-quality erotic magazines with enough storyline is insanely expensive. There were attempts to do this, such as with the «Feigenblatt» (English: fig leaf) or «Alley Cat», which aimed to put female pleasure in the spotlight. The magazines were discontinued because they just didn’t sell well. However, I do know women who buy erotic picture books, for example with nude photography, and look at those instead.

**You said at the beginning that we women are into stories. That would probably make erotic novels a good alternative to the little porn there is as well as the non-existent sex magazines. What can a sequence of letters do to our libido? **
There have always been books and publications that shocked society by breaking taboos. One of the most famous examples of our time is the BDSM trilogy «Fifty Shades of Grey». It got a lot of attention and made BDSM socially acceptable. At least as a topic of conversation. On a societal level, this gave «normal folks» permission to grapple with such content. And its success shows that books arouse our sexual curiosity. They give us the opportunity to immerse ourselves in another world and to first try out certain preferences in our imagination. And they satisfy our penchant for stories and emotions.

Suppose I read «Fifty Shades Of Grey» to get in the mood. Is there anything in particular I should pay attention to?
With «Fifty Shades Of Grey», I spent the first 20 pages just being annoyed at how badly the book had been translated. Once I looked past that and allowed myself to really dive into the story, I stopped caring about it. To a certain degree, you have to invite the story and emotion in.

So, you’re saying I should keep at it, even if it makes me feel ridiculous at first?
Absolutely. Sometimes, it can take more than one try to get into the groove. That’s why it’s better to read 50 pages instead of stopping after 20. There’s this overarching view that erotic novels are bad content-wise. Take «Fifty Shades Of Grey» – very few people would wish to actually experience the story in real life. Still, it has a fun component to it once you’re immersed in the story. If you manage to get out of your own head and away from judgement and condemnation, you can enjoy such books and even apply certain aspects to your own sexuality.

For those who aren’t big on books, there are also options for listening. Erotic audios are also available – for example, on Femtasy, a streaming platform with «sensual audios for every mood». What do you think of these?
They’re primarily meant as one kind of alternative and don’t intend to replace porn. Femtasy offers a wide range of sex sounds, guided masturbation and erotic stories to accompany you as you masturbate or have sex. What I find particularly great: you can choose from a multitude of female and male narrator voices, so you can choose the one you feel most attracted to as a listener. After all, which voices we find appealing varies from person to person. What’s also nice when listening to content like this is that you can use your imagination and visualise to your heart’s content.

**How about music – can we use music to get ourselves in the mood? **
There are erotic songs out there. «Moi Je T’Aime, Mois Non Plus» is a classic example. If you search on Spotify, you’ll find numerous playlists to get you in the mood. Music can help you get into a kind of cocoon in which you no longer hear yourself. Sex noises trigger shame in many people, or the worry that the neighbours might hear. Music can help you shut that out. And we know from research that music elicits an emotional response. That’s why you should first ask yourself how you want it: tender, sensual or wild.

One last question: how do I find out which of the erotic formats we’ve talked about works best for me and my imagination?
I suggest trying different formats with an open mind and turning off the rational voice in you. Listen to your body and ask your vulva and vagina: «Do you like this?» In most cases, watching or listening to something once isn’t enough. Be patient and dive into it more than once. We all deal with a certain amount of stress in our daily lives. As a result, we tend to react negatively if something doesn’t blow us away immediately, as we don’t have much time to spare.

For the last 14 years, Dania Schiftan has been working as a sexologist and psychotherapist from her own practice in Zurich. She’s also a psychologist at Parship. You can find out more about Dania and her job in this interview:

All other articles in this series are here:

Guide
Everything about sexuality
by Natalie Hemengül

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Natalie Hemengül

Senior Editor

Natalie.Hemenguel@digitecgalaxus.ch

As a massive Disney fan, I see the world through rose-tinted glasses. I worship series from the 90s and consider mermaids a religion. When I’m not dancing in glitter rain, I’m either hanging out at pyjama parties or sitting at my make-up table. P.S. I love you, bacon, garlic and onions.

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