Doggo, my house won’t be your home

Martin Rupf

31/10/2022

Translation: Veronica Bielawski

My wife and kids have been trying to convince me to get a dog for a long time. So far, I’ve been successful in my resistance. If you can relate, may these tips and tricks I’ve found to be useful help you in your struggle.

«Lindo». That was the name of the ginger Cocker Spaniel I grew up with. I remember him as a perpetually nervous little yapper. And to say the windy, rainy walks that featured regularly as part of my chores have left a positive imprint would be an overstatement.

Here’s the thing: I do actually like dogs – so long as they’re not mine. I’d even go one step further: I like dogs much more than cats. Dogs are usually loyal by nature and easy (or at least easier) to control. They literally eat right from the palm of your hand. Cats, on the other hand, including our three-year-old male cat Mango, tend to be quite headstrong. They like to let you fully experience their moods and quirks.

Defensive tactics that have proved effective

Disclaimer: all these explanations of mine haven’t really diminished my family’s desire to get a dog. But they have allowed me to ward off their desire so far.

1. Blanket refusal

«If we get a dog, it’s you who’ll be feeding it and taking it out on walks.» In other words, should this potential future dog find its way under my roof, I won’t be taking care of it. What I neglect to mention is the fact that I wouldn’t be able to stick to this resolution even for a day, given how much I love dogs. When it comes to this topic, I prefer to keep things on a need-to-know basis.

2. Suggest getting a not-so-beloved breed

«Alright, alright. But if we are getting a dog, it’s got to be a Boxer or Dogue de Bordeaux.» Whenever I drop this line, the discussion is settled for at least a little while. As it so happens, neither my children nor my wife are fans of these breeds.

3. Offer alternatives

«How about a hamster? And haven’t you been wanting an aquarium for ages?» These are the diversion tactics I use to dissuade my family from wanting a dog. Granted, it does put me in a bit of a pickle when my son jumps on the opportunity and starts listing rats, tarantulas or other critters as viable options. The key here is to know your audience. Only suggest this if you know your family isn’t into weird alternative pets like my son.

4. Fake an allergy

So far, the aforementioned tricks have been effective. Should they start failing, I’m already toying with the idea of having a doctor friend of mine issue me a note saying I’m allergic to dog hair (an allergy which, as we all know, only becomes noticeable in adulthood). Sure, this may not be the most kosher approach. But as the saying goes, the end justifies the means.

5. Could dog-sharing be an option?

Despite all my defensive measures, I fear the day will come when my family prevails. The only option I’ll have then is to work towards a compromise. In line with the saying «a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved», maybe we could share a dog with another family? But that’s all pie-in-the-sky. For now, I’m operating on the assumption that I’ll be able to assert myself and won’t be getting licked awake at 7 a.m. by any dog.

Martin Rupf

Senior Editor

martin.rupf@digitecgalaxus.ch

Half-Danish dad of two and third child of the family, mushroom picker, angler, dedicated public viewer and world champion of putting my foot in it.

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